I've known all sorts of frustration: dashes to my personal aims; obstacles to professional aspirations, and of course, frustration of a sexual nature. I can, however, say with some confidence that I have never experienced the frustration which accompanies the return of cancer.
Just when it was all going so well; I can't pretend this has been easy to take.
I know that Catherine has been keeping my public informed, but the simple fact is, it's hit me in the lung, liver and spleen. Yes, dear friends, I'm afraid it's back to square one, or even worse. A couple of months ago, I was feeling great, getting a buzz out of life, and felt on a general upward trajectory. Today, I'm a 7-stone weakling, increasingly dependent on others, with rapidly reducing self-respect and dignity.
Family and friends have gathered around magnificently, and we have a treatment plan, so my feeble fingers are crossed in hope - expectation - of a recovery, of sorts.
So, how do I feel through all this - mentally, rather than physically? A well-meaning Palliative Care nurse asked in a very solemn manner, doe-eyes turned to max, "are you still feeling angry?". My grouchy response was I had never felt angry about it, and it is only damn-fool questions like that which anger me.
No, my overwhelming emotion is frustration, with a side-helping of sadness. Still, I'll just have to get to grips with it; move on, and deal with it as best I can.
Here are 3 songs about anger, frustration and sadness.
1 I'm not angry - Elvis Costello
2 Tears of Rage - The Band
3 Frustrated, Bagshot - The Members
RP
(Rick hadn't finished going through the song list but I thought I would get this published anyway - any more ideas for songs, please feel free to suggest any - Catherine)
Thursday 24 November 2011
Monday 21 November 2011
Chemo crisis!
Well, so much for us thinking that chemotherapy wouldn't be so bad this time!
As I said in the last post, Rick had chemo on Wed and came home with his bottle attached; he was fine Thursday morning and most of the afternoon but towards the evening he started feeling under the weather and ached all over. Friday morning was worse, hard to breathe, vomiting, and pain everywhere - chemo helpline suggested either coming in to Bart's, contacting our GP for more anti-sickness medication or going to our local A & E. By the time I'd had the phone call with them, Rick was worse and so, for my first ever time I dialled 999 and got an ambulance! They were really prompt and within about 10 minutes he was being treated in the ambulance with oxygen and all his vital signs monitored, including an ECG. Anyway, we joined the Friday morning rush hour and went off to hospital. I would just like to point out that I was not really ready to face people at this stage bearing in mind that although I had been up since 6am, I had just fallen out of bed into dog walking clothes, walked Molly round the park (it is dark and nobody sees me), I'd not washed, showered or done anything with my hair or face - and here we were going to hospital where there would be lots of people who had washed and dressed appropriately - I just hoped in the warmth of the hospital I wouldn't smell too bad! But I digress...
Rick was assessed quite quickly in A & E - blood tests, urine samples, chest x-ray - and then sent to the Emergency Medicine Centre, which is a short stay ward off A & E before the patient is allocated another ward in the main hospital. He had a couple of units of blood, lots of IV antibiotics, and saline and potassium (I think) because he was very dehydrated. So now, as well as his bottle of chemo which was still going in, Rick has a line in the other arm as well as the oxygen tubing which is stuck up his nose - what with the emergency bell call cable and the control for raising and lowering the bed it is easy to get tied up in knots!
To cut a long story short, Rick stayed in the EMC all day Friday and was transferred to a ward on Saturday afternoon - and what a difference that was. He went from a very quiet 4 bedded ward with only one other person to a huge 19 bedded ward which seemed to be full of patients looking like geriatric convicts dressed in prison issue orange or green pj's, and the noise...there were call bell alarms going off, machines bleeping, people talking very loudly into mobile phones which were also on loudspeaker (to be fair they probably were hard of hearing). Luckily Emma and Lucy promptly bought some ear plugs for Rick which made his first night slightly more bearable.
He has continued to improve, apart from an episode yesterday morning when his O2 saturation went down to 89% (not a good thing), he's had more IV antibiotics and his markers are down (medical speak for it is a good thing), and should be able to come home today. He has yet to have the chemo bottle disconnected. Although the chemo finished on Saturday there have been no suitably qualified staff to safely remove and dispose of it. They have assured us that someone will be around who can do it today.
And now I think I have brought you all up to date with what has been going on Chez Parsons this weekend - I do hope your weekends have been better!
Thanks for the soup suggestions, keep them coming
Love and kisses
Catherine x
As I said in the last post, Rick had chemo on Wed and came home with his bottle attached; he was fine Thursday morning and most of the afternoon but towards the evening he started feeling under the weather and ached all over. Friday morning was worse, hard to breathe, vomiting, and pain everywhere - chemo helpline suggested either coming in to Bart's, contacting our GP for more anti-sickness medication or going to our local A & E. By the time I'd had the phone call with them, Rick was worse and so, for my first ever time I dialled 999 and got an ambulance! They were really prompt and within about 10 minutes he was being treated in the ambulance with oxygen and all his vital signs monitored, including an ECG. Anyway, we joined the Friday morning rush hour and went off to hospital. I would just like to point out that I was not really ready to face people at this stage bearing in mind that although I had been up since 6am, I had just fallen out of bed into dog walking clothes, walked Molly round the park (it is dark and nobody sees me), I'd not washed, showered or done anything with my hair or face - and here we were going to hospital where there would be lots of people who had washed and dressed appropriately - I just hoped in the warmth of the hospital I wouldn't smell too bad! But I digress...
Rick was assessed quite quickly in A & E - blood tests, urine samples, chest x-ray - and then sent to the Emergency Medicine Centre, which is a short stay ward off A & E before the patient is allocated another ward in the main hospital. He had a couple of units of blood, lots of IV antibiotics, and saline and potassium (I think) because he was very dehydrated. So now, as well as his bottle of chemo which was still going in, Rick has a line in the other arm as well as the oxygen tubing which is stuck up his nose - what with the emergency bell call cable and the control for raising and lowering the bed it is easy to get tied up in knots!
To cut a long story short, Rick stayed in the EMC all day Friday and was transferred to a ward on Saturday afternoon - and what a difference that was. He went from a very quiet 4 bedded ward with only one other person to a huge 19 bedded ward which seemed to be full of patients looking like geriatric convicts dressed in prison issue orange or green pj's, and the noise...there were call bell alarms going off, machines bleeping, people talking very loudly into mobile phones which were also on loudspeaker (to be fair they probably were hard of hearing). Luckily Emma and Lucy promptly bought some ear plugs for Rick which made his first night slightly more bearable.
He has continued to improve, apart from an episode yesterday morning when his O2 saturation went down to 89% (not a good thing), he's had more IV antibiotics and his markers are down (medical speak for it is a good thing), and should be able to come home today. He has yet to have the chemo bottle disconnected. Although the chemo finished on Saturday there have been no suitably qualified staff to safely remove and dispose of it. They have assured us that someone will be around who can do it today.
And now I think I have brought you all up to date with what has been going on Chez Parsons this weekend - I do hope your weekends have been better!
Thanks for the soup suggestions, keep them coming
Love and kisses
Catherine x
Wednesday 16 November 2011
Chemo update
Rick had his PICC line inserted yesterday and started chemotherapy today - it was scheduled for next week but they managed to bring it forward. He's come home with a little bottle attached to the line which will drip-feed chemo into his vein over the next 3 days and the district nurse will take it off on Saturday. This will mean dressing will be a major problem and showering impossible - roll on Saturday!
Doctors have assured us that he shouldn't feel as sick with the chemo this time, I do hope they are right.
Keep sending positive thoughts our way,
Catherine x
Doctors have assured us that he shouldn't feel as sick with the chemo this time, I do hope they are right.
Keep sending positive thoughts our way,
Catherine x
Saturday 12 November 2011
And now for some news
Sorry for the delay in posting any blogs. We have decided that I will do the factual updates for you and Rick will post the more entertaining news when he feels up to it.
Well now, the bronchoscopy results came back; the samples they took on the second time confirmed that the cancer in his lung is malignant and has definitely come from the head and neck cancer he had last year and not some new primary lung cancer; the bone scan was clear though he may have arthritis in his hips. He had a kidney function test on Thursday to check that the kidneys can cope with any chemo they have to offer, and the good news is that they can. Our next appointment is with Dr Sibtain on 16th Nov to get things in motion for starting chemo. They have to insert a PICC line in his arm first(it is a long canula which will enable the chemo to be administered into the bigger veins in his neck)and then they can start. It should be soon but we'll know more on Wednesday.
We are still maintaining our positive, glass half-full outlook, Rick is quite tired without much energy at the moment but hopefully after chemo he will be feeling a bit better and we'll be able to get out and perhaps see people.
I think that is all the news for the moment, I will post more when there is more to tell, thank you for being patient.
Catherine x
Oh, one last thing, if anyone has any recipes for high-calorie, smooth, nutritious soups can you email me - parsonscatherine@sky.com - I'm close to exhausting my repertoire!
Well now, the bronchoscopy results came back; the samples they took on the second time confirmed that the cancer in his lung is malignant and has definitely come from the head and neck cancer he had last year and not some new primary lung cancer; the bone scan was clear though he may have arthritis in his hips. He had a kidney function test on Thursday to check that the kidneys can cope with any chemo they have to offer, and the good news is that they can. Our next appointment is with Dr Sibtain on 16th Nov to get things in motion for starting chemo. They have to insert a PICC line in his arm first(it is a long canula which will enable the chemo to be administered into the bigger veins in his neck)and then they can start. It should be soon but we'll know more on Wednesday.
We are still maintaining our positive, glass half-full outlook, Rick is quite tired without much energy at the moment but hopefully after chemo he will be feeling a bit better and we'll be able to get out and perhaps see people.
I think that is all the news for the moment, I will post more when there is more to tell, thank you for being patient.
Catherine x
Oh, one last thing, if anyone has any recipes for high-calorie, smooth, nutritious soups can you email me - parsonscatherine@sky.com - I'm close to exhausting my repertoire!
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