One Step Forward, One Step Back

Hello again, playmates.

A word of advice: keep away from hospitals, they're bad for your health.

Catherine and I were up bright and early yesterday for an appointment at Barts to have my radiotherapy mask constructed. The mask is a thermoplastic mould, in the shape of the patient's face, which keeps the head completely still while the treatment is administered, and ensures that the rays are directed to the right place.

To male the mask, I was asked to lay on a slab, while the nice lady applied a warm plastic sheet onto my face, then let it cool down, and peeled it off. A completely painless process.

Once the mask was completed, I moved on down the corridor for a CT scan, while wearing the mask. This was my third CT scan since this whole thing began, so I was pretty relaxed about it.

We were then asked to wait in a side room, while the staff checked that everything was in order. After a rather prolonged wait, Dr Sibtain - head honcho in the Radiotherapy Department - joined us, with the bombshell that the CT scan had shown up a shadow on my right lung. Not good.

He seemed pretty certain that it was a build up of fluid, caused by one of my many operations, and not cancer-related. However, it does need to be dealt with, and is sufficiently serious that they had considered re-admitting me as an inpatient there and then.

Instead, he stuck a needle in me and took out some of the offending fluid, which has been sent off for tests, and we will know the results in about a week. We've also been asked to go back today for another CT scan - this one specifically aimed at my lungs.

Two months ago, I had a tumour in my mouth - obviously nasty and needing treatment - but I was otherwise completely healthy. Today, I have wounds in my chin, neck and chest, which stubbornly refuse to heal; I have a deformed chest, with one nipple humorously higher than the other; my face is is severely scarred and swollen; my speech is unintelligible; I am unable to control the seemingly endless flow of saliva from my mouth; I am ridden with MRSA; and now, to top it all, I have an as yet undiagnosed lung ailment. It's not the illness that's getting me down, but the treatment.

I know I have banished negativity from this site, but I hope that you'll forgive me for feeling just a little bit sorry for myself. So today's "top ten" songs are about wallowing in self-pity.

1. Drown In My Own Tears - Ray Charles
2. I'm A Mess - Nick Lowe
3. I'm Alone In The Wilderness - The Pogues
4. The Whole Town's Laughing At Me - Teddy Pendergrass
5. 'Cause Cheap Is How I Feel - Cowboy Junkies
6. Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now - The Smiths
7. Nobody Wants You When You're Down And Out - Bobby Womack
8. Have Mercy Someone - ZZ Hill
9. What Did I Do To Be So Black And Blue - Louis Armstrong
10. I Need A Mother - Eels

These Ain't Raindrops!

RP