Okay, so I'm over halfway through the radiotherapy and two thirds through the chemo. I should be punching the air, celebrating such progress, with the home run in sight. So why do I feel so lousy?
Well, although the drugs do work - to a certain extent - chemo still takes it out of you. This time I was sent away with the most powerful anti-sickness drugs, and only puked twice: the second time being just as I was entering Bart's Hospital on Thursday. They also provided a veritable plethora of supplementary medications, including some steroids, which carried the warning that they may cause suicidal thoughts. And I wondered why I'd been feeling so low all weekend!
It's now Monday morning, and I've emerged from my pit feeling very slightly less miserable, trying to take stock of my current condition, and assess what I can reasonably expect to endure for the next three weeks.
The gloopy saliva - sorry to keep going on about it - remains a major annoyance. It gets thicker and less manageable by the day. Swallowing it causes retching, so I end up constantly dribbling into a flannel, which is very attractive for all observers.
I am tired all the time: the days, just a few weeks ago, when I could could take Molly the dog for a walk three times around the park are a distant memory. I managed one circuit on Saturday, and had to come back home to sit down and recover.
In spite of the radiation pinkness, burning on the outside of my skin is not currently too bad - possibly because I have been piling on the cream - but the inside of my mouth has started to become very sore. This is exacerbated by a nice case of oral thrush on my tongue. My voice has deteriorated from a barely distinguishable honk to a completely incomprehensible whine.
(Incidentally, on the subject of thrush: when I was younger, I thought it was a sexually transmitted disease, so there always seems something vaguely shameful about contracting this particular fungal infection. When it's oral thrush, I am reminded of the old joke, of the man being told by his doctor that he has caught a venereal disease. "I must have caught it from a toilet seat", he says. "Well you must have eaten it," replies the doctor, "you've got it in the gums.")
Furthermore, I'm almost totally deaf in my right ear, and the hearing in my left ear is declining. And I seem to have added an extra petulant side to my character, which manifests itself in me shouting at loved ones, or throwing things around in a tantrum. Boy, am I fun to be around just now!
All in all, I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself, and fearing that things are going to get worse before they get better. Catherine has caught a very nasty cold, but I'm afraid that I'm reserving all my sympathy for myself just now.
Sorry this all seems to have been a bit of a whinge. I'm conscious that the more dramatic parts of my treatment - the operations, cutting, slicing, intensive care, etc. - are over, and this phase is relatively mundane. Please believe me, for all the routine that goes with the radiotherapy, it's no less unpleasant.
Back to the subject of thrush, here are ten songs about birds.
1. My Songbird - Jesse Winchester
2. Three Little Birds - Bob Marley & The Wailers
3. Little Sparrows - The Handsome Family
4. Songbird - Anais Mitchell
5. Little Bird - Eels
6. Beautiful Bluebird - Neil Young
7. When Doves Cry - Prince
8. Bird On The Wire - Leonard Cohen
9. Blue Valley Songbird - Dolly Parton
10. The Crow On The Cradle - Jackson Browne
Is anybody there?
RP
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Stick with it; you ARE over halfway through and before too long this will be but an unpleasant memory.When you get these suicidal thoughts courtesy of your drugs,just think of your beloved Everton and all NO HANG ON, THAT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA AT THE MOMENT!
ReplyDeleteMay the bluebird of happiness fly over you...
Barney
Sorry I've not been about to chat much.
ReplyDeleteKeep strong it's for the best.
Thinkin of you
Luke
Oh Rick. It's hard to know what to say. It must be horrible. But you are half way through.
ReplyDeleteSomething to look forward to. Toni and Derek ( Hi guys) are coming over in April and we are going to have a get together. You should be on the up by then. We did think that fancy dress from any of the parties should be worn but maybe that's a step too far! ( Does anybody out there know how to get in touch with Ged?)
Keep smiling.
A and S x
Hang in there Richard. Not long now.
ReplyDeleteAnd how about Blackbird on a Wire - The Beautiful South
I agree with Ann - it's hard to know what to say, but you are over the worst bit and you WILL get better. I mentioned to you my proposed new business venture - the topless carwash (that should flush Ged out from wherever he's hiding!)
ReplyDeleteYou can be first on the list for a free waxing and hosedown, although that might not help with the dribbling problem!! Hope none of your bloggers work for Greenwich council by the way - it is only an idea!!!
Keep drinking the cider
Susie and John