Rigging Hell

I've had a call from Ruth at Whipps Cross, to confirm that they’re going to be fitting the RIG in my stomach next Monday. I'll be going in some time on Sunday afternoon and staying until at least Tuesday.

Ruth sent me a leaflet about the procedure, which is packed full of useful information I'd probably rather not know, such as:

• I must expect pain for a few days after the procedure: i.e., it's going to be agony for weeks;
• There’s the possibility of infection at the site of insertion;
• There is also the prospect of overgranulation: not an expression I've come across before, but apparently refers to a "red raised area, which can weep with a brownish discharge - attractive!
• Also the likelihood of "feed-related problems" such as diarrhoea or constipation;
• the RIG is fitted under local, not general, anaesthetic, in order to ensure that I get maximum enjoyment of the process;
• before the tube is placed, the stomach must be filled with air through a soft thin nasogastric tube which is passed through the nostril, across the back of the nose and down the throat into the stomach. Nice! Apparently, I won't be released from hospital until they've checked my bowel sounds, which conjures up images of the scene in Blazing Saddles, where they sit around the campfire, eating beans and farting.

Hey, but let's look on the bright side: all the time I'm being fed by tube, I get my "feed" supplied free of charge - think of the money I'll save! Plus, there will be no need to waste time sitting around the dinner table munching steaks and sipping fine wine, as I'll be able to simply pump nutritious gunge directly into my stomach. Envious, huh? Helpfully, the leaflet states, "tube feeding does not involve the social interaction which often accompanies eating”, so I suppose I shouldn't expect too many dinner party invitations for the next couple of months, but that’s a small price to pay.

I’ve also had confirmation that I will be going into Barts for the big op on 21 June, so things will be happening pretty quickly from now on.

The timing of my operations means that I will be able to see England v USA on Saturday in relative comfort; I should also be able to catch the Algeria game the following Friday, but may be drugged up to the eyeballs for Slovenia v England on the 23rd (some would say that this is how I've spent every World Cup since 1978).

And while we're on the subject of football, I think I'm resigned to Everton losing Steven Pienaar: a shame, but if Man City are prepared to stump up £20 million, I won't be complaining. I'm confident that the best little Spaniard, Mikel Arteta, won't be leaving Everton. And the two so-called newspapers, The Express and The People, which have invented the rumour that David Moyes will be moving to the dark side, are just beneath contempt. Finally, the new shocking pink Everton away shirt is just shocking.

Here's the soundtrack to my facial operation.

1. Every Little Bit Hurts - Brenda Holloway
2. Tripe Face Boogie - Little Feat
3. Cut It Away - Jackson Browne
4. Funny Face - Donna Fargo
5. World Shut Your Mouth - Julian Cope
6. Scar Tissue - Red Hot Chilli Peppers
7. Beauty's Only Skin Deep - The Temptations
8. Lip Service - Elvis Costello & The Attractions
9. Anything by Smash Mouth
10. Wasn't Born To Swallow - The Byrds

Nil By Mouth!

RP