An open and shut case

Tuesday 20th July am

It may be a cliche, but nursing staff are genuinely obsessed about the state of their patients' bowels.

Every morning on waking, and every evening before retiring, I am asked the inevitable question "Did you move your bowels last night/today?". If I answer in the affirmative, I am interrogated about form and colour; they even have a sheet depicting different constitutions of poo, from which you can select the one most closely resembling your own movement.

An answer in the negative inevitably provokes a disapproving look, and a reminder that failure to perform during the coming 12 hours will necessitate the administration of laxatives along with the next allocation of medicines.

Those of you who know me well will testify that I am not normally one to shirk away from a bit of coarse, toilet talk, but I must confess that I find the repeated discussions about my defecations to be deeply embarrassing although admittedly there are worse things.

Before I entered hospital I decided that, for the well-being of both parties, I would restrict nurses' exposure to my private parts to the very minimum. Fortunately, as I have largely been mobile throught my extended stay, I have been able to wash and wipe myself unaided. There are, however, some poor souls who are much more infirm, and entirely dependent upon the nurses for all matters of personal hygiene. I shudder to think what goes on behind those modesty curtains, but surely wiping the bottom of a suffering patient goes well beyond the call of duty.

And before any of my more laddish acquaintances launch into a "phwoar - if I could get a nurse to wash my willy I'd show her a thing or two" monologue, may I remind you that this is a hospital, populated by seriously ill patients. Libido appears to be at an all-time low; presumably naturally, and not as a result of anything they put in the medication. In real life, it is not a re-run of "Carry on Matron": I think the nurses can all feel reasonably safe from Sid James-style attempts at groping.

Anyway, here are ten songs about bowel movements, with thanks for contributions by my good friend Barney and little brother Dave:-

1 Constipation blues - Screamin' Jay Hawkins
2 Here I go again - Archie Bell and The Drells
3 I second that (e)motion - Smokey Robinson and The Miracles
4 We can work it out - The Beatles
5 Howlin' wind - Graham Parker and The Rumour
6 Dirty laundry - Curtis Mayfield
7 Movin' - Brass Construction
8 Float on - The Floaters
9 Empty ring - Paul Weller
10 Colours - Louden Wainwright III *
*Colours is a song about different hues of dog excrement, starting with the line "The s**t on the streets of this town comes in diffent shades of brown".

May I take this opportunity to apologise to my more sensitive readers, who may find today's subject matter an unfortunate departure from recent posts.

Stay regular!
RP